As a kid I had always hated Father's Day. And even today I still dislike it. But it seems now for different reasons. I feel so foolish for hating the holiday to begin with. But I can't help it. It has always been a sad reminder.
Before I was born my father had left my life for reasons. Every family has their shit, mine is no exception. So as a kid the holiday was depressing. I'd see fellow classmates making things- you know those activities done in lower level grades? Yea I had to do those, but I had no "father" to give it to. Not really I thought. A family friend though had become the dominant male figure in my life. He had been in my life since I was 6 weeks old. I began giving those silly projects to him. He accepted them with a smile and a thanks.
From time to time my mother tells me stories of how he used to help out and how he used to take me to places, how he'd even drive me in the car if my mom could not get me to sleep. I have heard a few tales where he has protected me as well, and how he had done all these little things that had helped me and my mother. No other man had done that. No regular person could have done that. That man became my hero I think; he became that father I never had. Holidays this year have been so rough without him. I miss him dearly. He is and probably always will be the most important man in my life.
I miss him greatly...It's really hard to type this. It's even harder to go through these sort of days-Christmas, Father's Day, etc. He's always on my mind. A lot of things remind me of him. I feel silly. Sometimes I can can go on the verge of utter tears, to bawling and then smiling. I hate it. I feel like a child or some sissy boy, though I know everyone has to grieve at some point.
I know he's not suffering anymore though. I can smile about that. I don't know how many times I have looked to the clouds and sky today, wondering if there is a heaven, and if there is how is he doing? I wonder if he is dancing up there across the clouds having a party. I know he's smiling somewhere. I have to force myself to smile today.
I guess all I can say is Happy Father's Day Daddy.
Love,
Your Not-So-Biological Son
P.S.
I Love and Miss You
Sta.sh
!
